Some things are off my list of stuff that was irritating the living hell out of me - returning pop bottles and plastic bags! I don't drink very much pop anymore; usually only when I'm out and about, or if I have a major need for caffeine, like a migraine, for example. Then it's easy to open up a Mountain Dew! But Robert has not been able to diminish his dependence on the stuff, so we accumulate empties. He bags them up, and then he keeps 'em around for ages.

When I was over at Kirk's last week, we were - rather, he was clearing his garage of bottles and recycling. I watched more than I helped! He took his bottles back to the Can Shed, which is a business that does nothing but sort can, plastic bottles, glass bottles and pays the consumer the bottle return fee.

So, I threw all the bags I could find of bottles and plastic bags in the car, and suggested we return those so he could see where the place was and how easy it was to return them in a more timely manner. Then it was off to the recycling place to rid ourselves of plastic bags, again, a pleasant surprise for him as he had no idea the place existed. I guess that is what happens when one never gets out of the recliner and the TV remote to explore!

But, what that has to do with the card I pulled this morning? Probably not much - but again - I've never found the angel cards to lead me down a path I don't need. So, it was on my mind when I formulated my "plan". I simply got ready for the day, and suggested we make a run into town to return those cans (after making sure they were open), rid ourselves of the recycling, and stop to pick up the pizza for our feast with Lyn and the grandbabies tonight. I didn't complain or gripe, I just said, "Here's what I want to do...." outlined the plan and within the hour we were on the way. I'm sure I used more fuel than we got on the bottle return, but it was a peaceful way to get out of the house, be in the sunshine and accomplish getting pizza before a last minute rush.

But, the other part of this card is seeing Lyn and Jared, and the three kids. We last saw them in February at Robert's mother's 90th birthday party. One of my goals is to make the effort to see all the kids and grandkids more often. It's silly not to. After being so ill last fall, it brings it even closer that we need to live life to the fullest. That's why I now go out and do things without Robert. He's so content to sit in front of the television and pontificate about his own narrow view of the world...and I want more! But, I won't nag or try to change him. He has to make those decisions for himself.

My next card , pulled just a little while ago, goes hand in hand with the first card of the day. I think I've got that

one down pretty well over the years, but it's nice to be reminded that some things are simply what they are, no matter how I feel about them.

I was talking to Dan via chat last night; I usually do so most evenings when we're not busy, but lately it's been more because I just need to communicate with someone who will talk to me about many things. I wasn't able to totally pinpoint what was bothering me about our friendship. I just knew that he was always matching me - for example, I just bought a new sewing machine. When I told Dan, he had to tell me about his sewing machine and then embellish the story so he had a bigger, better, more powerful version that would do this or that or whatever would top what I was talking about.

Then, last night the light bulb moment occurred. We were talking about spring, gardening, and so forth. In the conversation he told me that he was going to have to move a great big mulberry bush. He didn't want to damage it because it is a good producer, but it's in the way of his new garage. There was more to the conversation about moving it, but the light clicked on for me when he said that he had a whole lot more mulberry bushes, and he was going to have to be better about putting drop clothes down to gather the berries. He wants to make jelly and wine, and he doesn't want to compete with the birds.

And then it hit me...the thing that was bothering me. He competes with EVERYTHING.

And, it seemed pretty darned silly that he was resentful of birds having mulberries to eat.

I had to say something. "Dan, don't you think it's a little silly to compete with birds?"

And then I stepped away for several minutes to pull some laundry out of the dryer.

When I came back, he said, "Now that I read that over, that does seem pretty silly, doesn't it?"

I said, "Yes, it does. You compete with everything. EVERYTHING. And EVERYBODY."

He got it. And, I hope it keeps sinking in, for his sake. Sometimes, again, a person just has to *be*. Acceptance of the laws of nature. It seems crazy to think that birds, who work very hard to eat would have to "compete" with someone who has plenty of money and puts up a lot of different foods, would begrudge birds their food so he can have an overabundance of wine and jelly.

Namaste'

Part 2

The critters are fed for the evening, and Robert is on his way to pick up dinner at Steak 'n Shake. I'm eating healthy with a salad; continuing to cleanse and detox.

Before I went to bed last night I texted Lyn and suggested the pizza thing for either tonight or tomorrow. A text tomorrow confirmed she thought it was a good idea, and we got the details rounded out.

I had to laugh when I got around to pulling my angel card for the day. You can see why. Apparently the angels and I were on the same mind set. I've got to just go ahead and quit worrying about Robert and just go spend time with my kids without hassling with his mindset. We all know we rate lower than the television unless I pull a temper tantrum.

Today has been a somewhat productive day. I've been hoping that I'd hear back from Samantha regarding the "trade" I suggested to her yesterday. I offered to trade her a benefit DJ service for some professional photos of us. She was excited, for she works closely with the YMCA and they have a gala coming up. And THAT would be perfect for pictures because it's formal. We've got casual pictures with us all goofing around, and of course of the lights and equipment, but it would be fun to have some good pics when we're all dressed up! And the trade would be for a good cause, as well.

Other than that, I've simply been digging through my piles of paper and getting some business stuff accomplished, and doing domestic chores as well. I will be so happy when all these out of control bits of paper are tucked away or tossed. I want to be able to take care of business far more efficiently and have lots of time to play as the weather gets warmer!

Shower of Abundance: This card I need to think about very carefully. It would be fun to have someone to debate this card with. Abundance can mean so many different things. The abundance I need right now is financial. I've put myself out a lot in this last year. And, I really have faith in Genesis Pure still being an answer for me. I feel as though once I get past the first couple of people I'll relax and things will start to build and snowball. Dr. Bradley told me the last visit that he wishes I could just leave the U and concentrate totally on GP and my reflexology business. I was pleased when he said that, but in retrospect I'm sad, for he did not even take a look at the video in spite of numerous attempts to make an appointment or to come to one of the bigger meetings. And now he's going with a product called Avocare...it's a very inferior product, I'm sad to say. Oh well. I can't hold that against him. I just need to move forward and create enough courage to contact people with outward solid belief. I feel it on the inside, both in my mind and my body, but somehow I need to be able to find *why* I have a stumbling block on getting it to other people!

Namaste'

With all good intentions I did plan to do some writing, but somehow it didn't happen. I stayed in my jammies all day long, no shower, your basic slug-a-thon. Throughout the day, though, I did pull three cards.

I guess you could say I rewarded myself by being a bum all day! At the same time, though, I hated it because the only reason I was doing it was due to Robert being home - a day off. And of course all he did was watch TV and make little comments to me through the day. Most were about basketball and the tournaments and his extreme worry over the Iowa coach's kid who has a thyroid tumor. I wish he'd vocalize worry about OUR children...or even me once in awhile. I keep asking for peace and calm and patience.

I did cleanse and detox with my Genesis Pure; that's a daily, or almost daily thing. Sometimes I forget! But because the day was going the way it was, I figured I needed to do some mental repair as well. I spent a lot of time thinking while I sat in front of my computer.

By the end of the day, I was pretty well grounded and in a good mood. At dinner I said, "You know what I would think would be a great idea? I think since you get paid tomorrow, we should call Lyn and offer to bring pizza over for supper."
This referred back to a critical remark he made to me about how the baby was probably walking by now...not quite..he's just at 6 months! But, we haven't seen the kids since February and it's a crime considering they only live 4 miles away. :(

I spent the evening online talking to my friend Dan about gardening, Genesis Pure, fishing and things we are both interested in. Dan really wants to take our friendship to a whole different level. He had his chance. He wanted to start an intimate relationship which I was willing to do - THEN. But, since he chose to have little incentive to make time for me, I no longer have any desire for him in that way. Too bad. He's the closest thing to Sam Elliott in looks I'll ever have!

So, this is part 1 of today's posting. I'll add part 2 a little later this evening. The dogs have reminded me several times it's time to put food in their dishes!

Namaste'

Believe me, anyone who reads this, I normally will not be posting three times in one day! It just so happens that in between projects I've had a bit of time to write a line or two.

I had to laugh with derision late this afternoon when HR called me to inquire why I wasn't back at work? Was it not possible to get in touch with my doctor? Wasn't there any OTHER health care provider in his office who could sign a form for me?

In other words...they're beginning to realize they fucked up. Have you contacted the doctor? Yes. Have you talked to the office? Yes. What did they say? They said they would put it high on the priority list to try and get things done before my doctor left on vacation. Why didn't he get that done? I don't know if he did or not. No one from the office called me back and when I called they said the office was closed. For all I know they are closed for the rest of the week. Well, I'll (HR) call them tomorrow and put some pressure on them so you can get back to work - this is a detriment to you, you know.

At that point I snarled at him...nicely of course..."What do you mean, a detriment to ME? *I* was ready to come back to work last Friday! There shouldn't be anything that could be considered MY fault!"

"Oh...I mean...uh...not detriment to you...just you're not earning any money and you don't have any vacation or comp time left to use."

No shit???? Could that have something to do with the fact you've requested so much paperwork you haven't approved my request for reduced hours from last December?

Oh, that place...as I've said before, I love my coworkers and my babies, but I hope the day comes soon when I no longer have to deal with the hypocrisy and the bullshit management and HR spews.

Anyway, I pulled myself together and when the time was right this afternoon, I pulled another angel card to consider. This was a card I had never pulled from the deck before. That always gives me pause. And, after I thought about its message, it made perfect sense.

I've been exchanging comments and occasional messages with Karen, who is a world renowned Reiki Master. She's been kind enough to visit with me from time to time and I invited her to read this blog. But after she read the first post, she had some very direct questions for me: Some of them deserve my commentary in reply.

One of the things we talked about was my feeling of doing this blog because I wanted to figure out whether anyone really gave a damn about my existence. She asked me if it was a cry for help.

I told her no, it was more of a reaffirmation; the little kid in me is the one doing the asking, but the adult in me knows very well that a lot of people depend on and care for me. Writing things down has always been a way for me to help come to grips with things. Somehow the printed word seems to sink in better.

There was more to our conversation. It was good to have the direct questions to think about and come to terms with.

And, so, the card I pulled from the deck today showed me that my conversation was pure and was given to me by Spirit.

Namaste'

So far this has been a very productive day, and I'm happy with it so far. I do, though, want to explain what's going on and why I'm starting this 30 day journey with myself.

It began a week ago yesterday. For those who may not know, I have some continuing health issues which only rear their ugly head when I'm being stupid. One of them is Chemical Sensitivity Disorder. At this point in time, most chemicals are okay for me to be around. There's only one that makes me ill, and that's the "ether" smell that comes from the solvent that is used to clean the glue off the leads on the EEG equipment.

I've got FMLA papers filed because of my health issues. And, because of it, I've met with both the hospital HR and the university HR people. When they approved my FMLA for this year, they also sent me a letter stating that they wanted to keep me safe in my work environment and they would be contacting my doctor. This was in spite of the fact that I know exactly how to prevent this - but in this case, I took the risk.

Last Tuesday my work area was understaffed and very overworked. And, sure enough, the EEG people moved patients past the area I was working in. I can smell the solvent 5 minutes before everyone else; I hoped that this would be one of the days it dissipated rapidly.

Uh. no. And, as I said, we were extremely busy. I took what steps I could, but also did not want to leave my co-workers stranded. So, I stuck by them...and hoped for the best.

By the end of the evening I had a raging headache, felt like hot metal was shoved down my spine. I called in sick for the next day, and then had to do so again for the following day. By the end of the second day I was feeling well enough to go back to work. But, that evening I got a text from a supervisor telling me I was not allowed to come back to work until the doctor gave me a release to come back to work...they have to "protect" me, you know.

So, we are now on my 4th day of being perfectly well and not being at work. I found out on Monday that HR had written me a letter and now they have a whole bunch of questions and more paperwork my doctor needs to fill out. I've emailed my doctor. I've talked to their office. I've talked to HR and quite frankly, told them that this is pure bullshit.

But, they won't budge an inch. Before I'm allowed to set foot in the hospital again, I MUST have a note from my doctor stating it's okay to come back to work. And now it looks as though I'll be not at work for a few more days. My doctor has gone on spring break and when I called the office to see if he'd left a letter for me, I found the office was closed. *sigh*

So, that's why I'm freaked out. I certainly can't afford to be without work for that long; all my vacation time and comp time was used up when I was sick last year and they have been screwing me out of any earned time ever since with their constant "need" for more paperwork - even though I requested a reduction in hours last December.

I love my babies and my co-workers, but how I hate the university bureaucracy and bullshit!

More about my recently pulled angel card and a fantastic conversation I had this morning - but after I get a couple more things accomplished.

Namaste"

Here I am, sitting at home, somewhat depressed at the moment; no caffeine on board yet this morning.

And, with good reason, I suspect. It's really hard to think of the possibility of being poor again! But, I've never been a quitter, and I'm pretty success driven, so I am going to chart the next 30 days just to see how positive I can keep myself, and with luck will be back on the track of (at least) my own brand of success.

Angel cards...what are they? Well...anyone reading this who knows I'm Pagan will most likely wonder why in the world I'm talking about Angel cards. I'm a huge believer in Beings from the "other side" who are available to help and protect us from ourselves. It's probably a full-time job for several of them in my case! ;)

Angel cards are one of Doreen Virtue's inventions. They're not what I would call a tarot deck, but instead a method of guidance. They are a reminder of the presence of the Divine (in whatever form you believe) in a person's life. I try to pull a card from this deck at least once a day. Whichever card I pull is what I feel I'm supposed to be considering and meditating on till the urge to pull another card hits me.

I don't believe that angels are the feather-winged creatures playing harps and sitting on fluffy clouds that some religions promote. Even angels would get bored with that, I believe. My idea of an angel is actually closer to the angel that John Travolta played in "Michael" - a down to earth, smoking, drinking, sexy and sensual angel who brought out the best in people. He was bawdy and irreverent and at the same time so full of faith and joy. And with that in mind, that's why I use Angel cards. I'm certainly irreverent, have a great potty mouth vocabulary (as well as a fabulous *regular* vocabulary!) I know that sometimes you have to cut corners, sometimes have to be a little underhanded, and sometimes be direct in what you want. But I believe in success, I believe in faith, I believe in joy.

And, I believe in myself. I know that sometimes I get down about things. Some people think I'm putting myself down at times, but I'm actually poking fun at myself when I do it! I'm usually shocked when someone tells me to quit being mean to myself!

So...now that I've blithered on, I've posted the card I pulled today. I'll write more about what's going on today as I have time. And, I'll ask you to be patient with me while I explain what has brought me to this temporary depression of sorts. But now, I'm going to go get myself a cup of green coffee bean mocha and start to elevate the mood for the day.

More later.

Namaste'